All You Need is Beatles!
A Hard Day's Night


Cliques, Clubs, and More!
The Life and Times of John Lennon
Guys We Think are Sexy
Fan Fiction
Introducing...The Chartreuse Snow Turtlez!
You Know My Name
Things We Said Today
Identity Crisis
We Take A Walk
Baby you can link my site!
A Bunch of Quiz Banners
On the Cover of the *Rolling Stone*
Are You A Lennon Fan?
Driving USA
I Can't Hide
I Read the News Today, Oh Boy
I Read the News Today, Oh Boy II
How You Can Win My Award
Cool Things in the World
Yoko Speaks Out
Act Naturally
How I Won the Award
How Can You Laugh?
For Lack of A Better Title: LINKS
The Beatles Have Landed
Beautiful Boys
Are You a Hippie?
Chatter On Son, Chatter On
I Me Mine
The White Album
Here Comes a Cloud
Remember Love
Words Are Flowing Out
A Hard Day's Night
More of AHDN
All I've Got to Do (Updates)

We now have the entire A Hard Day's Night script...Just another reason to love BEATLES, BEATLES, BEATLES!

The film opens with crowds of girls, shot in a sequence of CLOSE-UPS chasing after GEORGE, JOHN and RINGO. The boys hare off just ahead of them. They take a turn down a back alley way and the crowds of screaming girls are after them.

They rush on through the narrow cobbled passageway and into the main station, quickly show their tickets at the barrier for the London train, and get onto the platform as hordes of yelling and screaming girls reach the closed gates.

We see the fans rushing to the few platform ticket machines, and endless pennies being dropped and tickets torn out in their haste to get onto the platform to see the boys.

NORM has been waiting for the boys and he hurries them to where all their baggage, instruments and the drums are waiting, piled up to be put into the guards' van. The boys turn and see the oncoming stream of girls pushing through the barriers and descending on them with yells and shouts. They grab their instruments, RINGO makes for the drums. NORM plugs into a handy transformer and using their instruments like a gun volley to stop the onrush of females, the boys blast fire into a number and start to sing. This stops the girls in their tracks and they settle down on whatever they can to listen to them playing.

As the boys are playing, we CUT BACK into the crowds. In the centre we see PAUL struggling and pulling to fight his way through the girls to join the other boys. He is dragging a very reluctant old man behind him. The old man seems most disgruntled and we can see by his gestures how unwilling he is to be pulled and pushed forward through all the girls.

At last PAUL reaches the other boys. He sits the old man down on a pile of cases and joins in the number to the squeals of delight from the fans. The old man sits aloof and proud ignoring the whole proceedings. JOHN, GEORGE and RINGO look enquiringly at PAUL who gives a noncommittal shrug of the shoulders as if to say, "it's not my fault" and the number proceeds.

SHOT of sudden horror on JOHN's face. PAUL follows his eye line only to see the old man has doffed his cap and is busily collecting money from a disconcerted crowd. PAUL dives hastily into the crowd, and with suitable apologies extracts the old man and with a long suffering sigh drags him back to the group. GEORGE and PAUL hold him firmly as they finish the number, the old man standing there between them.

As the number finishes and the girls scream and shout with delight, the guard blows his whistle. NORM and SHAKE grab the instruments and the drums, and with the rest piles the lot into the guards' van. The BOYS head into their reserved compartment pursued by the fans but the train moves off. They have successfully repelled all extra boarders.

THE BOYS stand and wave to the fans until out of sight line ... the girls running along to the end of the platform waving and calling out.

The boys relax, sitting down on one side of the compartment. They are about to settle down and make themselves at home when first RINGO nudges GEORGE who in turn nudges JOHN. Opposite them is sitting the LITTLE OLD MAN. He is holding himself stiff, erect and very aloof.

The three boys look at him enquiringly but with an elaborate sniff he looks away from them and out of the window.

PAUL catches his eye and winks at the LITTLE OLD MAN. He winks back at PAUL, scowls at the other three then looks firmly out of the window again.

The boys turn on PAUL crowding around him.

JOHN: Eh ... pardon me for asking but who's that little old man?

PAUL: What little old man?

JOHN (pointing): That little old man.

PAUL: Oh, that one. That's me Grandfather.

GEORGE: That's not your Grandfather.

PAUL: It is, y'know.

GEORGE: But your Grandfather lives in your house. I've seen him.

PAUL: Oh, that's me other Grandfather, but this one's me Grandfather and all.

JOHN: How d'you reckon that one out?

PAUL: Well ... everyone's entitled to two, aren't they, and this is me other one.

JOHN (long suffering): Well we know that but what's he doing here?

PAUL: Well, me mother thought the trip 'ud do him good.

RINGO: How's that?

PAUL: Oh ... he's nursing a broken heart.

The lads all look intently at the GRANDFATHER.

JOHN: Aah ... the poor old thing.

He leans across to GRANDFATHER.

JOHN: Eh, Mister... are you nursing a broken heart then?

The GRANDFATHER nods soulfully glares at him, in a way that indicates yes.

PAUL (whispering): You see, he was going to get married but she threw him over for a butcher.

GEORGE: A butcher?

PAUL: Yeah, she was fickle.

JOHN: Aye and fond of fresh meat and all.

PAUL (seriously): No ... it was his sweetbreads. She was dead kinky for sweetbreads. Anyroad, me mother thought it'ud give him a change of scenery, like.

JOHN: Oh, I see.

He inspects GRANDFATHER carefully.

JOHN (to PAUL): Eh, he's a nice old man, isn't he?

PAUL: Oh yeah, he's very clean, y'know.

They all agree with PAUL.

JOHN has been examining GRANDFATHER. He now leans forward to him.

JOHN (in an over-friendly voice): Hello, Grandfather!


JOHN (delightedly): He can talk then?

PAUL (indignantly): Course he can talk. He's a human being, like. Isn't he?

RINGO (grinning): Well ... if he's your Grandfather, who knows?

The lads all laugh.

JOHN: And we're looking after him, are we?

GRANDFATHER: I'll look after meself.

PAUL: Aye, that's what I'm afraid of!

JOHN: He's got you worried, then?

PAUL: Him, he costs you a fortune in breach of promise cases. He's a villain and a right mixer as well.

GEORGE (disbelieving): Getton.

PAUL: No, straight up.

GRANDFATHER: The lad's given you the simple truth. I'm cursed wid irresistible charm, I'm too attractive to be let loose.

At this moment, SHAKE, a tall man who works with the BOYS, pulls open the door of the compartment.

SHAKE: You got on all right then?

BOYS: Hi, Shake.

SHAKE: We're here. Norm'll be along in a mo' with the tickets.


SHAKE: Morning! (whispers) Who's that little old man?

GEORGE: It's Paul's grandfather.

SHAKE: Oh aye, but I thought ...

JOHN (cutting in): No, that's his other one.

SHAKE: That's all right then.

JOHN (displaying Grandfather): Clean though, isn't he?

SHAKE: Oh yes, he's clean all right.

NORM the road manager appears behind SHAKE.

NORM: Morning, lads.

BOYS: Morning ... Hi, Norm.

NORM (checking them quickly): Well, thank God you're all got here. Now, listen, I've had this marvellous idea just for a change, let's all behave like ordinary responsible citizens. Let's not cause any trouble, pull any strokes or do anything I'm going to be sorry for, especially tomorrow at the television theatre, because ...

He looks sharply at JOHN who is polishing his nails.

NORM: Are you listening to me, Lennon?

JOHN (off-hand): You're a swine, isn't he George?

GEORGE (disinterested): Yeah ... a swine.

NORM (just as indifferent): Thanks...

He sees the GRANDFATHER.

NORM: Eh ... .

BOYS IN CHORUS: ... Who's that little old man?

NORM: Well, who is he?

RINGO: He belongs to Paul.

NORM (accepting the situation): Ah well, there you go. Look, I'm going down the diner for a cup of coffee, are you coming?

PAUL: We'll follow you down.


GRANDFATHER: I want me coffee.

NORM: H e can come with Shake and me if you like.

PAUL: Well, look after him. I don't want to find you've lost him.

NORM: Don't be cheeky, I'll bind him to me with promises. Come on, Grandad.


NORM (over Grandfather's head): He's very clean, isn't he?

SHAKE and NORM collect GRANDFATHER and are in the process of leaving the compartment when a fat upper class city Englishman, JOHNSON, attempts to enter. There is a bit of confusion and they get tangled up with each other.

JOHNSON: Make up your minds, will you!

At last SHAKE, NORM and GRANDFATHER sort themselves out and JOHNSON enters with his case. The other three go to coffee.

JOHNSON puts his case up on the luggage rack, then sits down. All his movements are disgruntled ... he finally picks up his copy of the Financial Times and burying himself behind it, starts to read. After a moment he looks up, notices the compartment window is open. He gets up and without so much as a "by your leave" he closes it, glares at the BOYS and sits down again.

The boys exchange looks as if to say ... "Hello, Saucy!!"

PAUL (politely): Do you mind if we have it opened?

JOHNSON (briefly): Yes, I do.

JOHN: Yeah, but there are four of us, like, and we'd like it open, if it's all the same to you, that is.

JOHNSON (rudely): Well, it isn't. I travel on this train regularly twice a week, so I suppose I've some rights.

RINGO: Aye, well, so have we.

He disappears behind his paper before the BOYS can say another word.

RINGO pulls a face at the raised paper and switches on his portable radio. A pop number is playing.

JOHNSON puts down his paper firmly.

JOHNSON: And we'll have that thing off as well, thank you.

RINGO: But I ...

JOHNSON leans over and switches it off.

JOHNSON: An elementary knowledge of the Railway Acts would tell you I'm perfectly within my rights.

He smiles frostily.

PAUL: Yeah, but we want to hear it and there's more of us than you. We're a community, like, a majority vote. Up the workers and all that stuff!

JOHNSON: Then I suggest you take that damned thing into the corridor or some other part of the train where you obviously belong.

JOHN (leaning forward to him): Gie's a kiss!

PAUL: Shurrup! Look, Mister, we've paid for our seats too, you know.

JOHNSON: I travel on this train regularly, twice a week.

JOHN: Knock it off, Paul, y' can't win with his sort. After all, it's his train, isn't it, Mister?

JOHNSON: And don't you take that tone with me, young man!

GEORGE: But...

JOHNSON (accusingly): I fought the war for your sort.

RINGO: Bet you're sorry you won!

JOHNSON: I'll call the guard!

PAUL: Aye ... but what? They don't take kindly to insults you know. Ah, come on, you lot. Let's get a cup of coffee and leave Toby the manger.

The boys troop out of the door into the corridor. JOHNSON smiles triumphantly. He is about to settle down to his paper when there is a tap on the corridor window. He looks up and we see pressed against the window a collection of hideous Beatle faces.

PAUL: Eh, Mister ... can we have our ball back!

The man jumps to his feet.
The boys run away like a pack of school boys and disappear round the corner.

From the P.O.V. of the door leading to the restaurant car.

The boys come down the corridor in full flight, laughing away like happy idiots. GEORGE and PAUL pull open the sliding doors. The boys look inside.


From their P.O.V. we see the car is half empty and at a table in the centre SHAKE and NORM and GRANDFATHER are sitting. On the table is a pile of photos of the boys. NORM and SHAKE are arguing. NORM is being very aggressive, much to SHAKE's discomfort.

NORM: Yeah, you want to watch it.

SHAKE (unhappily): It's not my fault.

NORM: Well, you stick to that story, son.

SHAKE: I can't help it, I'm just taller than you.

GRANDFATHER (To NORM slyly): They always say that.

NORM: Yeah, well I got me eye on you.

SHAKE: I'm sorry Norm, but I can't help being taller than you.

NORM: Well, you don't have to rub me nose in it. I've a good mind to ... (he is about to thump SHAKE.)

JOHN (enjoying himself): If you're going to have a barney I'll hold your coats.

NORM: He started it.

SHAKE: No, I didn't you did ...

GEORGE: Well, what happened?

SHAKE: The old fella wanted these pictures and Norm said he couldn't have 'em, all I said was 'aw go on, be big about it.'

PAUL: And?

NORM: Your Grandfather pointed out Shake was always being taller than me just to spite me.

PAUL: I knew it, he started it, I should have known.

NORM: Y'what?

PAUL: You two have never had a quarrel in your life and in two minutes flat he's got you at it. He's a king mixer. Adam and Eve, meet the serpent. Anthony and Cleopatra, there's your asp. Divide and Conquer, that's this one's motto. He hates group unity so he gets everyone at it.

The BOYS, i.e., JOHN, GEORGE and RINGO, look at each other then at PAUL.

PAUL: Aye and we'll have to watch it and all.

GEORGE: I suggest you just give him the photos and have done with it.

NORM: You're right. Here you are, old devil.

SHAKE and NORM leave. GRANDFATHER grins triumphantly and collects them, then with a sweet smile he turns to PAUL.

GRANDFATHER: Would you ever sign this one for us, Pauly?

PAUL does so automatically but in the middle of signing he gets suspicious. GRANDFATHER smiles at him charmingly so PAUL finishes signing.

JOHN: Come on let's get this coffee.

GRANDFATHER: Before you go, I think it's only fair to warn you about me Grandson ... don't let our Paul have his own way all the time, 'cos if you do he won't respect you!

JOHN, RINGO and GEORGE take this up straight away. They all pretend to be girls, RINGO jumps into PAUL's arms.

GEORGE (coyly): Oh, Paul, you can't have your own way!!!

JOHN (invitingly, in a Marlene Dietrichvoice): If I let you have your own way, you little rascal, will you respect me?

PAUL (choked): I'll murder you, Grandfather!

JOHN waltzes PAUL down to an empty table and the lads sit down.

GEORGE: Eh, look at that talent.

They all gaze across the aisle. From their P.O.V. we see two very attractive young girls, RITA and JEAN, having coffee.

JOHN: Give 'em a pull.

PAUL: Shall I?

GEORGE: Aye, but don't rush. None of your five bar gate jumps and over sort of stuff.

PAUL: Now what's that supposed to mean?

GEORGE (grinning): I don't really know, but it sounded distinguished, like, didn't it?

JOHN: George Harrison, The Scouse of Distinction.

We follow PAUL as he crosses over to the two girls. He places a bowler on his head.

PAUL (in posh accent:) Excuse me, but these young men I'm sitting with wondered if two of us could join you; I'd ask you meself only I'm shy.

The two girls giggle together.

JOHN and GEORGE are about to move over when GRANDFATHER suddenly appears by their sides.

GRANDFATHER (sternly): I'm sorry, miss, but you mustn't fraternize with my prisoners.

JEAN: Prisoners!!

GRANDFATHER:Convicts in transit to Wormwood Scrubs. Typical old lags, the lot of 'em.

THE BOYS: Y'what!!!

GRANDFATHER: Quiet, you lot, or I'll give you a touch of me truncheon. (He points at Ringo) That little one's the worst. If we don't keep him on tablets he has fits.

RINGO (protesting): Now look here!!

GRANDFATHER grabs two lumps of sugar from the table and forces them into RINGO'S mouth.

GRANDFATHER: Get out while you can, ladies, his time's coming round for one of his turns.

The frightened girls scurry out of the restaurant car. The boys look in amazement and horror at GRANDFATHER. They are completely flabbergasted. GRANDFATHER smiles at them benignly.

SHAKE and NORM are seated. SHAKE is buried in a science fiction book.

NORM looks at his watch, slightly worried.

NORM: He's been gone a long time.

SHAKE (without looking up): Who?

NORM: Paul's grandfather.

SHAKE: Oh, I didn't notice, where'd he go?

NORM: Down the ... er ...

SHAKE: Oh, down the ... er ...?

NORM: Yeah, down the ... er ...

SHAKE: Well, give a couple of minutes ...

He resumes reading. But NORM goes on worrying.

Grandfather is in full flight of conversation with a charming elderly lady, AUDREY, who is listening intently.

GRANDFATHER (proudly): Yes, I'm their manager, I discovered them.

LADY AUDREY: Did you indeed, Mr. McCartney?

GRANDFATHER: Now, Audrey, I told you, the name's John. We show biz people are a friendly lot.

AUDREY: Of course, John.

GRANDFATHER: Yes, they were playing the queues outside the picture palaces of Liverpool. Scruffy young lads, lacking even the price of a jam roll. Orphans, every Paddy's son of 'em. I saw their potential at once although I had me doubts about the little fella, a savageprimitive, that Ringo, but it was him what gave in first. He picked up a brick and heaved it at me and I quelled him wid one fierce flash of me eyes. "Mister, can you spare us a copper?" he said. I was disarmed by the grubby little outstretched mauler ... So, I took them under me managerial banner.

AUDREY: The usual ten per cent?

GRANDFATHER: Oh, not at all, I let them have twenty-five; sure aren't there four of them?

AUDREY (her eyes lighting up): How fascinating. Do go on ... (pause)... John.

GRANDFATHER: ... Oh, I'm all heart, Ma'am, all heart ... Well, I let ...


NORM and SHAKE meet with the BOYS as they are returning from coffee.

NORM: Eh, have you got Paul's grandfather?

JOHN: Of course, he's concealed about me person.

NORM: No ... he's must have slipped off somewhere.

PAUL (accusingly): Have you lost him?

NORM: Don't exaggerate.

PAUL: You've lost him.

SHAKE: Put it this way, he's mislaid him.

PAUL: You can't trust you with anything, Norm, if you've lost him, I'll cripple you.

SHAKE: He can't be far.

JOHN: I hope he fell off.

PAUL (mildly): Don't be callous.

RINGO: He doesn't like me, honest, I can tell ... It's 'cos I'm little.

GEORGE: You've got an inferiority complex, you have.

RINGO: Yeah, I know, that's why I took up the drums. It's me active compensatory factor.

JOHN and PAUL run down the corridor. SHAKE and NORM turn from the door and go in the opposite direction, GEORGE and RINGO follow after the other two boys.


PAUL and JOHN look into various compartments. CLOSE SHOT of RINGO looking into compartments in the manner of Groucho Marx. In one of the compartments we see from RINGO'S P.O.V. the occupant, a glamorous woman, TANIA, with a small lap dog.

She is beautifully and most expensively dressed. She looks up and sees RINGO.

RINGO smiles at her and she smiles back. She then beckons him to join her.

He looks around to see if she means someone else. She nods a negative. RINGO looks back enquiringly then points at himself as if to say: "Who, me?"

TANIA smiles enthusiastically.

GEORGE has been watching all this.

GEORGE: Are you going in?

RINGO: No, she'll only reject me in the end and I'll be frustrated.

GEORGE: You never know, you might be lucky this time.

RINGO: No, I know the psychological pattern and it plays hell with me drum skins.

He blows the glamorous lady a kiss, then moves sadly on.


PAUL enters a compartment followed by JOHN. The TWO GIRLS, RITA and JEAN, from the restaurant car are sitting there.

PAUL: Excuse me but have you seen that little old man we were with?

The girls jump up, surprised.

JOHN: We've broken out, oh, the blessed freedom of it all! (he extends his hands as if handcuffed) Eh, have you got a nail file, these handcuffs are killing me. I was framed. I was innocent.

PAUL: Will you stop it! Sorry to disturb you, miss...

He starts to drag JOHN after him.

JOHN: I was innocent. I was framed. I won't go back.

JOHN is now by the door; he leers at the girls horribly.

JOHN:I bet you can guess what I was in for.

He cackles like a maniac before disappearing, the door closing after him.

A waiter carrying a tray with champagne and glasses on it passes into one of the compartments with the blinds down.

PAUL: How about that one?

He moves towards the compartment.

PAUL (to Ringo and George): Did you look in here?

GEORGE: No. I mean, it's probably a honeymoon couple or a company director or something.

PAUL: Well, let's broaden our outlook.

PAUL opens the door of the compartment.


From the BOYS' P.O.V. we see GRANDFATHER and the elderly lady, AUDREY, sipping champagne and nibbling caviar on toast.

GRANDFATHER (looking up):Congratulate me, boys, I'm engaged.

PAUL enters and crosses over to him.

PAUL: Oh no, you're not. You've gone too far this time ... and who's paying for all this?

GRANDFATHER: It's all taken care of. It's down on our bill.

PAUL: Oh, well that's all right. (realizing) What?

AUDREY: Young man, kindly moderate your tone when you address my fiance.

PAUL: I'm sorry, Missus, but the betrothal's off. (He grabs GRANDFATHERby the arm.) I'll refuse me consent, he's over-age!

AUDREY grabs GRANDFATHER's other arm and pulls back.

AUDREY: Leave him alone, after all he's done for you is this the way you repay him?

A tug of war now starts between PAUL and AUDREY.

PAUL (pulling): Him? he's never done anything for anybody in his life.

AUDREY (pulling): You dare to say that when even those ridiculous clothes you are wearing were bought when you forced him to sell out his gilt edged Indomitables!!

JOHN and GEORGE jump on the seat egging PAUL and AUDREY on.

JOHN: Come on, Auntie, you're winning.

GEORGE: Get in there, Paul, she's weakening.

RINGO attempts to interfere.

RINGO: Look, Missus, this is all a misunderstanding, you see, he's ...

AUDREY: Keep away from me, you depraved lout, I know all about your terrible past.

RINGO: Y'what?

She hits RINGO with her handbag and continues struggling with PAUL for GRANDFATHER. RINGO grabs her handbag to stop her hitting him.

RINGO: He's given me a bad character, blackguarding me name to all and sundry. He's got to be stopped. It's not fair.

RINGO pushes out into the corridor, forgetting that he is holding the woman's handbag.

A voice shouts off from outside.

VOICE OFF:That's one of them ... stop thief!


From Ringo's P.O.V. we see down to the right the city man, JOHNSON, approaching with a GUARD. RINGO turns the other way to the left when he is joined by [the] three other boys. From their P.O.V. down the corridor we see the two girls, autograph books in hand, followed by ten girls from the same school.

Both groups are closing in on the BOYS. There's no escape.

RINGO (looking down at the handbag in his hand): Oh Mother!!


Very dark, and behind bars we see GRANDFATHER. He is sitting crouched up on a wooden box tea chest and looks pretty miserable. He turns towards the CAMERA; in the foreground of the SHOT we see PAUL standing. In the background an impassive GUARD is reading a paper which he does throughout the scene.

GRANDFATHER (bitterly): And to think me own grandson would have let them put me behind bars!

PAUL: Don't dramatize.

The CAMERA PULLS BACK and we see GRANDFATHER in the luggage compartment of the guards' van. In with him are a crate of chickens and a dog. The chickens peck at him; GRANDFATHER moves listlessly away.

PAUL: Let's face it, you're lucky to be here. If they'd have had their way you'd have been dropped off at Stafford already.

GRANDFATHER proudly turns away from PAUL who dodges round so he can still see his face.

PAUL: Well, you've got to admit you've upset a lot of people. At least I can keep my eye on you while you're stuck in here.

GRANDFATHER turns away again.

PAUL: All right, how about Ringo? I mean ... he's very upset, you know ... and as far as your girlfriend, little Audrey's concerned, she's finished with men for the rest of her natural, and another thing ...

GRANDFATHER: A harmless bit of fun, aah, none of you have any sense of humour left these days.

PAUL: Oh, it's all right for you but those two girls were scared to death! Honest, Grandad, why? I mean, why do you do these things?

GRANDFATHER (cutting in): You're left-handed, aren't you, Paul?

PAUL: Yeah ... so what?

GRANDFATHER: Why do you always use your left hand?

PAUL: Well, don't be daft, I've got to.

GRANDFATHER: And I take a left-handed view of life, I've got to.

PAUL grins. After a moment of looking at him, PAUL opens the door of the luggage compartment and joins GRANDFATHER on a box.

PAUL: Shove up!

GRANDFATHER produces a penny.

GRANDFATHER: Odds or evens?

PAUL sighs.

PAUL: Odds.

GRANDFATHER flips the coin.

The guards' van door opens and JOHN, GEORGE and RINGO come in, with them are the girls, RITA and JEAN.

JOHN (as he sees PAUL behind the bars): Don't worry, son, we'll get you the best lawyer trading stamps can buy.

PAUL: Oh, it's a laugh a line with Lennon. (to Ringo) Any road up ... It's all your fault.

RINGO: Me? Why?

GEORGE: Bag-snatcher.

GRANDFATHER: That's right; convict without trial ... Habeas corpus.

JOHN (casually): Every morning.

JOHN has been looking around the guards' van.

JOHN: Gaw, it's depressing in here, isn't it? Funny... (he pats the dog) 'cos they usually reckon dogs more than people in England, don't they? You'd expect something a little more palatial.(he shudders) Come on. Let's have a little action. Let's do something, then.

PAUL: Like what?

JOHN: Well, I've got me gob stopper. (he produces his mouth organ.) Look, a genuine Stradivarius, hand tooled at Dagenham.

And to RINGO's beat on a tea chest they are off, PAUL and GEORGE improvising other sounds, much to the GIRLS' delight. During the number, GRANDFATHER quietly lets the latch off the chicken crate and chickens begin to wander through the scene.

While the number is progressing, the train is getting nearer and nearer to London.

SHOTS of the station full of GIRLS waiting for the BOYS.

By the time the number finishes the train pulls up with a sharp halt that sends them all sprawling, BOYS and GIRLS.

NORM enters the guards' van.

NORM: Don't move, any of you. They've gone potty out there. The whole place is surging with girls.

JOHN: Please sir, can I have one to surge with sir, please sir?


JOHN: Ah, go on, you swine.

NORM: No, you can't. Look, as soon as I tell you, run through this door here and into the big car that's waiting.

He points and we see a big car parked across the road.

The BOYS prepare to depart, lining up with GRANDFATHER at the door.

Just as they are ready to go, a line of taxis draws up parallel to the train and now separates them from the big car waiting for them.

NORM: Oh no!

GRANDFATHER pushes past the BOYS, holding his coat closed.

GRANDFATHER: All right, lads, follow me.

And before NORM can stop him, he darts out of the door, PAUL after him. The fans further down the platform see PAUL and charge forward ... in a panic NORM and the others follow, JOHN just having time to kiss both the girls.

JOHN: Vive l'amour!

NORM drags him away.

The BOYS manage to follow GRANDFATHER by leaping onto a motorized luggage carrier, GEORGE driving and the other three posing as a frozen tableau on the back. GRANDFATHER has arrived at a taxi door. He flings it open and runs through, opening the other door, thus making a safe bridge to the car.

The BOYS follow and manage to make it to the big car safely. They run towards grandfather's taxi. The FANS have followed the BOYS and we see streams of GIRLS piling through all the taxis one of which contains JOHNSON the city man, opening and shutting the doors to get through, much to the indignation of the TAXI DRIVERS.

NORM is sitting in front with the driver, FRANK. The four BOYS and GRANDFATHER are squashed together in the back.

NORM (to the driver): Go like the clappers, son!

FRANK (smoothly): That was my entire intention, sir.

The car moves off surrounded by the FANS; from a height we see them converge on the car but it moves forcefully out of the station and off.

It moves into the traffic in the main road and the journey to the hotel begins.

There is a reception room and off it lead rooms that are presumably bedrooms, bathroom, etc. JOHN is lying sprawled out on a settee listening to a transistor radio, demolishing a basket of fruit. PAUL is sitting at an upright piano and GRANDFATHER is mooching about the room. One of the doors opens and GEORGE enters followed by RINGO, none of the BOYS are wearing coats.

RINGO: I don't snore.

GEORGE: You do - repeatedly.

RINGO (to John): Do I snore?

JOHN (eating a banana): You're a window rattler, son.

RINGO: Well, that's just your opinion. Do I snore, Paul?

PAUL (stopping playing): With a trombone hooter like yours it'd be unnatural if you didn't.

GRANDFATHER: Don't mock the afflicted, Pauly.

PAUL: Oh for Pete's sake, It's only a joke.

GRANDFATHER: Well, it may be a joke, but it's his nose. He can't help having a horrible great nose, it's the only one he's got. And his poor little head's trembling under the weight of it.

NORM enters with three piles of fan mail and places them in front of JOHN on a table. RINGO is almost in tears, examining his nose in a mirror.

NORM: Paul, John, George - get at it.

JOHN: Hello the income tax have caught up with us at last.

PAUL and GEORGE gather round the low table. RINGO is left out of it.

RINGO: None for me, then?

NORM: Sorry.

John hands RINGO a single envelope.

JOHN: That'll keep you busy.

GRANDFATHER: It's your nose, y'see. Fans are funny that way. Take a dislike to things. They'll pick on a nose...

RINGO: You go and pick on your own.

SHAKE enters with a stack of mail about three times larger than all the others put together.

JOHN: Is that yours?

SHAKE: For Ringo.

He dumps it in Ringo's arms who staggers into an armchair. The BOYS send him up.

JOHN: That must have cost you a fortune in stamps, Ringo.

GEORGE: He comes from a large family.

RINGO (dumping the letters): Well.

RINGO opens his letter and reads it. It contains a large embossed card.

RINGO: Eh, what's Boyd's Club?

The lads gather round him and PAUL takes the card from him and reads.

PAUL: "The Management of Boyd's takes pleasure in requesting the company of Mr. Richard Starkey, that's you, in their recently refinished gaming rooms. Chemin de Fer. Baccarat, Roulette, and Champagne Buffet." Blimey!

RINGO (surprised): And they want me?

JOHN: Oh, it's got round that you're a heavy punter.

NORM(snatching the card): Well you're not going.


GRANDFATHER (taking card from Norm): Quite right, invites to gambling dens full of easy money and fast women, chicken sandwiches and cornets of caviar, disgusting!

He pockets the card himself.

RINGO: That's mine.

NORM: Have done, and you lot get your pens out.

BOYS: Why?

NORM: It's homework time for all you college puddings. I want this lot (he indicates the fan letters) all answered tonight.

The BOYS all protest.

NORM: I'll brook no denial!

JOHN: It's all right for you, you couldn't get a pen in your foot, you swine.

NORM: Come on, Shake, we'll leave 'em to their penmanship.

He goes followed by SHAKE.

There is a pause and JOHN deliberately rises slowly and crosses to his coat. He puts it on and walks to the door.

JOHN: While the swine's away the piglets can play. Well, come on, what are we waiting for?

With a whoop PAUL, GEORGE and RINGO collect their coats and head for the door.

GRANDFATHER: What about all these letters?

BOYS: Read 'em!

They disappear. After a moment GRANDFATHER takes out Ringo's card.


GRANDFATHER: And a free champagne buffet.

He grins to himself. At this moment a WAITER enters with a tray. He is clad in tails and GRANDFATHER eyes them longingly, measuring himself the while alongside the startled waiter. He leaves us with no doubt in our minds what he wants, i.e., the waiter's suit.

The club is the latest in modern decor and full of teenagers all enjoying themselves. The CAMERA wanders around the club till it finally picks out JOHN, PAUL, GEORGE and RINGO all crowded around one small table. The music is blaring away from a juke box and the BOYS join the dancers. They are recognised and given smiles and nods of encouragement by all the other customers. During this scene we CUT AWAY

The whole atmosphere is of quiet elegance and loud wealth. Around the baccarat table the rich, bored customers sit barely moving a face muscle as they languidly murmur "suivez" and "banco" to the dealer as he operates the shoe. The manager of the club is beaming with satisfaction as he surveys his customers. One of these customers is clad in evening dress and he has his back to us. The rest of the players (male) are in suits. By each of them is standing a lush lady with a bored sophisticated face that looks as if it has been painted on. From the REVERSE of the LAST SHOT we now see the solitary evening dress player is GRANDFATHER. He looks around him and wipes off his look of enjoyment and elaborately out-bores everyone in the room.

DEALER: Alors, M'sieur?

GRANDFATHER (nonchalant): Soufle.

He turns to the buxom BLONDE, who is dripping over him.

GRANDFATHER: I bet you're a great swimmer. My turn? Bingo!

CROUPIER: Pas "Bingo," M'sieur... Banco.

GRANDFATHER (taking): I'll take the little darlings anyway.

He takes up the cards and can't understand that they are unnumbered.

GRANDFATHER: Two and one is three, carry one is four.

The buxom BLONDE leans over him.

BLONDE: Lay them down.

GRANDFATHER (disturbed by his eyeline): Eh?

BLONDE: Lay them down.

RANDFATHER: We'd be thrown out.

BLONDE: Your cards... lay them down... face up.

He does so.

CROUPIER: Huit la pointe... et sept.

(He pushes chips and box to Grandfather.)

BLONDE: You had a lovely little pair, y'see.


CROUPIER taps impatiently on box (shoe).

BLONDE: They're yours.


BLONDE: The cards... you're bank.

The BOYS are having a rare old time and the place is really moving.

GRANDFATHER is playing and a waiter is checking the requirements of the players.


CROUPIER (wearily): M'lord dit "Bingo."

WAITER (to Grandfather): A little light refreshment.

GRANDFATHER (lordly): A glass of the old chablis to wash down a gesture of giblets wouldn't go amiss. (He resumes his game.) Soufle, chop chop.

The CROUPIER uses the spatula to pick up a card. GRANDFATHER grabs it and scoops some sandwiches off a passing tray.

The BOYS are at their table again laughing and enjoying themselves, when suddenly their faces freeze.

From their P.O.V. we see NORM standing glowering down at them. With him is SHAKE. Reluctantly the BOYS arise and follow NORM out.

GRANDFATHER is looking worried at the call of the card he loses and we see that all his chips have gone. He notices the waiter delivering snacks and champagne to a couple, so quick as a flash, he places a handkerchief over his arm and writing a bill out on a piece of paper, presents it to the couple and collects payment in chips. He then resumes playing.

Waiter is sitting on chair in underclothes, reading. He hears a noise, says "The manager!" and hides in outer clothes closet. NORM and the BOYS enter saying:

NORM: Now get on with it.

JOHN: We were going to do it.

NORM: Aye, well, now!

(He goes through bedroom.)

RINGO goes to hang up coat in closet. He does so, then crosses to rest.

RINGO: Any of you lot put a man in that cupboard?

ALL: A man? No.

RINGO: Well somebody did.

GEORGE goes to cupboard. We see the WAITER from his P.O.V. He closes door, returns to group.

GEORGE: He's right, y'know.

BOYS (disinterested): Ah well, there you go.

SHAKE enters front door, goes to hang up coat and drags WAITER out.

SHAKE: Eh, what's all this?

PAUL: Oh, him... He's been lurking.

JOHN: Aye, he looks a right lurker.

SHAKE (to WAITER): You're undressed. Where are your clothes?

WAITER: The old gentlemen borrowed them to go gambling at Boyd's.


RINGO: Oh, he's gone to my club, has he?

PAUL (turning on Ringo): Yeah, It's all your fault, getting invites to gambling clubs. He's probably in the middle of an orgy by now.

JOHN: Well, what are we waiting for?

SHAKE: Aye, come on, honest, that grandfather of yours is worse than any of you lot.

GRANDFATHER is drinking champagne in locked arms with BLONDE.

WAITER: Encore de champagne, Monsieur?

GRANDFATHER: Yes, and I'll have some more champagne as well.

He takes another swig of his glass.

MANAGER (beaming): Lord John McCartney, he's the millionaire Irish Peer, filthy rich of course.

CUSTOMER: Oh I don't know, looks rather clean to me.

The MANAGER comes to grandfather's side.

MANAGER: Play is about to resume, m'lord.

GRANDFATHER (handing him a chip): Lead me to it, I've a winning itch that only success can pacify.

He takes his place at the table. The MANAGER watches for a moment then moves away from the table towards the club reception desk.

JOHN, PAUL, GEORGE, RINGO, NORM and SHAKE are trying to gain entrance.

ATTENDANT: I'm sorry sir, members and invited guests only.

PAUL, GEORGE, RINGO, JOHN: I've got to get in. It's urgent and important. I've had an invite. Take me to your leader.

NORM: Shurrup.

The BOYS do and meanwhile the MANAGER has walked into SHOT. He recognises the BOYS and welcomes them with false enthusiasm. They all start to enter the main room.

NORM: All we want to know is have you got a little old man in there?

MANAGER (pleasantly): Do you mean Lord McCartney?

PAUL: He's at it again. Look, I'm his grandfather... I mean...

BLONDE (standing next to Grandfather): Oh, it must be the dolly floor show.

JOHN: Stay where you are everybody this is a raid and we want him.

GRANDFATHER: Who are these ruffians?... I've never seen them before in my life! ... (etc.)

They grab the protesting GRANDFATHER and drag him into the reception area. He keeps trying to return to BLONDE and table. GEORGE and RINGO each take an end of the velvet cord hanging between the two stanchions. They exchange ends and re-hook it, thus encircling GRANDFATHER by the entrance desk. They then go to settle up.

MANAGER (with false charm):Before you go, gentlemen, there's the small matter of the bill.

He snaps his fingers and a waiter hands him the bill.

NORM (taking it): I'll settle that.

He glances at it.

NORM: A hundred and eighty pounds!

MANAGER (icily): I beg your pardon, guineas.

At that moment a WAITER appears with a tray full of pound notes.

WAITER: Your winnings, my lord, one hundred and ninety pounds.

The MANAGER tears up the bill and takes the money.

GRANDFATHER: How about me change?

MANAGER: Cloak room charge.

He hands GRANDFATHER his old mackintosh.

RINGO (brightly): Ah well, easy come, easy go.

The others glower at him.

RINGO: Well.


The BOYS have settled down.

JOHN: Should I say it?

GEORGE: Follow your impulse.

RINGO: It'll only get you into trouble.

JOHN (to RINGO): Aah, shurrup, misery!

JOHN slouches forward.

JOHN (urgently): O.K. Driver, follow that car!!

The driver [Frank] is an urbane young man in a handsome grey uniform.

FRANK (indicating the traffic): Would you like to be a little more precise,sir?

JOHN: Well, that's the wrong line for a start.

FRANK: Sorry? (meaning: "I beg your pardon.")

GEORGE: Oh, don't pay any attention to him, he was just fulfilling a lifelong ambition.

FRANK: I see.

JOHN: Yeah, you know, "O.K. Buster, follow that car, there's a sawbuck in it for you if you get real close!"

FRANK: Oh, yes, now I'm with you. [he changes his accent] But, gee, Mister, I've got my license to think of... we're doing a hundred now...

The car is stopped in traffic behind a bus. JOHN gets out of car and walks to the front. JOHN leans in window delightedly, he flashes his wallet.

JOHN: Ever seen one of these before?

FRANK: Ah ... a shamus, eh?

JOHN: I see you go to the night court.

FRANK: I've made the scene.

JOHN: Well, remember, its Leathery Magee up ahead in that convertible, so cover me in the stake-out.

GEORGE:I don't think that bit's right.

JOHN: What do you expect from an ad lib ... Raymond Chandler?

As the big car overtakes a Company Director's Rolls. JOHN lowers his window and the boys let out an imaginary hail of bullets at the Executive in the back. He reacts violently and starts to shout at them. As he does so, he presses the button of his window, so that we hear only part of it. But what we do is unpleasant. He immediately presses the button and the window rises.

RINGO and PAUL jump out of the car. RINGO takes two drumsticks from his coat pocket and, using them as banderillas, inserts them with style into the radiator grill (V.O. "Ole" from the BOYS). PAUL, then, using his coat as a matador's cloak, does a butterfly pass at the car which has just started up, narrowly missing him, but he keeps in the matador position.


NORM: Will you all stop it, you're like a gang of school kids. I knew this was going to happen one day.

JOHN (as Ringo and Paul climb in): Well, you shouldn't have had bacon for your breakfast, you cannibal.

FRANK (to Norm): We're nearly there, sir.

JOHN: Eh ... don't call him sir, he's got enough delusions of power as it is.

CLOSE SHOT of a long suffering NORM.

NORM: And I was happy in the bakery. I'll never know why I left.


Which has been converted to the T.V. studios.

There are a few groups of GIRL FANS standing outside the front of the theatre, but against the kerb of the pavement is a night-watchman's canvas hut and brazier.

The car approaches.


NORM: Get ready John, open the door and as it draws up, out you go and straight in.

JOHN nods and opens the door. The FANS start to swarm 'round them. To escape, the BOYS dash into the night-watchman's canvas hut, pick it up and run with it to the stage door, revealing the night-watchman, staring in astonishment.

At the door the BOYS put the hut down and enter the theatre.

As the BOYS enter, two P.R.O. men in dark suits, stiff white collars and old school ties step forward and smile menacingly.

FIRST P.R.O. MAN (menacingly): Press conference, they're waiting for you.

NORM (jovially): Give us a couple of shakes to get our breath.

FIRST P.R.O. MAN (more menacingly): They're waiting now!

And without more ado they grab an arm each and march the protesting NORM towards the stairs that lead to the dress circle.

PAUL: Eh this lot means it. They're even taking hostages.

The BOYS, SHAKE and GRANDFATHER rush after the rapidly disappearing NORM, who by now is half way up the stairs.

It is empty except for two barmaids poised ready to serve, standing behind trestle tables full of drinks and sandwiches. The dark suited MEN enter with NORM and close behind them follow GRANDFATHER, SHAKE and the boys. The group arrives at the centre of the lounge and have time to look about and see the food but before they can get to it, from all directions NEWSPAPERMEN and PHOTOGRAPHERS converge upon them.

Now begins an elaborate tug-of-war between various PHOTOGRAPHERS using their flash attachments and REPORTERS to capture a Beatle and in the midst of this running battle a man with a portable recorder is trying to interview them. Together and singly the BOYS are pushed about the room and while this goes on a hard core of NEWSPAPERMEN are busily devouring sandwiches and pouring themselves drinks, to the annoyance of the BARMAIDS.

Every time one of the BOYS attempts to get a sandwich or a drink, it is either too late, the plate is empty, or they are intercepted. The single and constant thing we see in the scene is the pushing and pulling, heavy impersonal handling, the boys are just things to be placed like still life in one advantageous position after another. During the scene these individual exchanges take place:

SOUND REPORTER: What's your philosophy of life?

JOHN: I'm torn between Zen and I'm all right, Jack.

REPORTER: Has success changed your life?


REPORTER: Do you like playing the guitar?

GEORGE: Next to kissing girls it's favourites.

PAUL is surrounded by newspapermen.

PAUL: No, actually, we're just good friends.

HIGH SHOT of the press reception and we see the BOYS ease their way out until they get to the curtained entrance to the dress circle; completely unnoticed, they slip through.

The BOYS come up the stairs into the Dress Circle proper. GRANDFATHER and SHAKE are sitting there having a picnic of beer and sandwiches.

PAUL (ironically): Anything to spare?

GRANDFATHER: We've just finished, Pauly. Hey George, write us your John Henry on this picture.

GEORGE: Sure. (He does so).

PAUL: Ah well. Eh, look!

He points, and from PAUL'S P.O.V. we see on stage, the setting up of the show, scenery and lights, cameras and sound equipment are being put into position by a small army of studio staff. DANCERS and SINGERS are milling about as well.

PAUL: Let's go and muck in.

JOHN: Aye, before anyone stops us.

They exit to rows of the dress circle and go through the entrance down the narrow stairs to the stalls and on to the stage that is built and extended right into the stalls, which are partly covered up.

Everyone is so busy that they hardly notice the BOYS, who wander about and examine the studio equipment. A load of three drum sets are being brought on stage and a voice shouts out:

VOICE: Here, what about these electric guitars?

SHAKE: Where are they?

VOICE: Back here, mate.

SHAKE (going towards the voice): I'm coming.

RINGO is busy setting up his drums, and men are setting up the other sets. He drops a stick and the FLOOR MANAGER retrieves it and is about to tap the drum. The FLOOR MANAGER is a languid young man.

RINGO: Leave them drums alone.

FLOOR MANAGER: Oh, surely one can have a tiny touch.

RINGO: If you so much as breathe heavy on them, I'm out on strike.

FLOOR MANAGER: Aren't you being rather arbitrary?

RINGO: That's right retreat behind a smoke screen of bourgeois clichs. I don't go round messing about with your ear-phones, do I?

FLOOR MANAGER: Spoil sport!

RINGO: Well!

RINGO fusses like a mother hen clucking over his drums. The FLOOR MANAGER is furious.

GEORGE: He's very touchy about those his drums, they loom large in his legend.

RINGO gives his drums a defiant crash and JOHN and PAUL stop whatever they are up to and hurry over.

PAUL: What's up?

GEORGE (pointing): He's sulking again.

JOHN: I'll show him.

JOHN picks up his guitar and walks over to RINGO and starts a number.

As the number finishes a baldheaded man (he is the T.V. director) storms down the ramp that leads from the control box under the dress circle.

DIRECTOR (with over-exaggerated calm):All right I'm sorry and let's hear no more about it. If that's your opinion, you're probably right. Look, if you think I'm unsuitable let's have it out in the open, I can't stand these back-stage politics.

By the end of this speech he is standing in front of JOHN who takes the scene in his stride.

JOHN: Aren't you tending to black and white this whole situation?

DIRECTOR Well, quite honestly I wasn't expecting "a musical arranger" who would question my ability ... picture-wise.

JOHN (to the others) I could listen to him for hours.

PAUL Heave to, what's all this about a musical arranger?

DIRECTOR Mr. McCartney Senior!

The BOYS have a giggle at the very idea and at this moment GRANDFATHER appears from behind the DIRECTOR.

GRANDFATHER Hey Pauly, they're trying to fob you off wid this musical charlatan but I've given him the test.

DIRECTOR (bravely) I'm quite happy to be replaced.

GRANDFATHER (indicating the director) He's a typical buck-passer.

DIRECTOR I won an award.

JOHN A likely story.

DIRECTOR It's on the wall in my office.

At this moment NORM comes on the stage, confident, cigar in mouth and serene.

NORM Hello our lot, everyone happy?

The BOYS, the DIRECTOR, FLOOR MANAGER and GRANDFATHER turn on him and stare silently.

NORM All right, all right. If you don't need this lot, I'll lock 'em up in the dressing room till you do.

DIRECTOR Please do, I'll not need them for fifteen minutes. Thank you.

He glares at GRANDFATHER who glares right back. The DIRECTOR walks away with the FLOOR MANAGER pacifying him.

DIRECTOR Give me a bottle of milk and a packet of Oblivion. Oh, it's a plot, I see it now, it's all a plot.

They go left towards the back-stage.

NORM (producing key) Now, come on, I've got the key.

He leads the lads off right. RINGO is last as he is putting his drum sticks down safely.

NORM and the BOYS turn on him.

NORM Let's have you.

JOHN Come on speedy!

PAUL Ringo!

GEORGE Wake up!

RINGO glares at them and follows quickly. As the BOYS move off after NORM, they pass the next act waiting for rehearsal. It is an elegant man in full-tail suit meticulously adjusting his cuff-links. Beside him is a free-standing sign reading "Leslie Jackson and his ten disappearing doves." The BOYS pass him and go through the door. GRANDFATHER stops and looks at the performer with respect.

GRANDFATHER I can't tell you how much I've enjoyed your act.

He slaps the man on the back with happy camaraderie. There is the sound of a dove, a few feathers fall out of the sleeve of the man's coat and he and GRANDFATHER look down at the floor. The man glares at GRANDFATHER, takes out a pen from his pocket, crosses out "10" on his sign, and writes "9" in its place, puts the pen back in his pocket and starts towards the centre stage putting on a false performer's smile as he does.

The BOYS move down the narrow stairs, and out of the ground floor dressing rooms stream a steady flow of costumed actors and actresses. They engulf the lads and force them against the wall -- the actors are all making for the stage door. As the actors push past the boys we see the boys' excited faces, their mouths watering for the costumes. JOHN touches the costume on one actor.

JOHN (to actor) Gear costume!

ACTOR (eyeing him) Swap?

NORM Right, first floor and no messing about.

NORM, leading the way, goes up the stairs but as they turn the first corner they are confronted by a group of girls, a game of manners starts, "after you," "No, after you." NORM who is ahead of the group looks down on them in disgust.

NORM Lennon, leave them girls alone or I'll report you.

The BOYS let the GIRLS pass and resume the journey, always surrounded by people.

RINGO'S attention is caught by a door. He crosses and opens it, looking out to a fire escape. The others join him and the four boys step through the door and onto the fire escape.

From the BOYS' P.O.V. we see down below into the property yard behind the theatre. It is a long narrow yard full of old coaches, motor cars and all the general debris of hundreds of sets from past theatre shows. Through the piles of heaped high junk there are a couple of narrow alleyways.

The BOYS scamper down the fire escape.

When they reach the bottom of the alleyways, there is a large door. They open it and look through.

From their P.O.V. we see a large green field quite empty. The boys step through the doorway into the field. We now see from a HELICOPTER SHOT the four BOYS standing together surrounded by space.

It is the first time they have been alone and unconfined all day.

They look at each other and grin ... then first GEORGE and PAUL let out a whoop and run towards the centre of the field, after a moment JOHN and RINGO follow them. The BOYS pick up some loose straw and insert it under JOHN'S cap and sleeves, turning him into a scarecrow.

The four BOYS dash about madly calling out to one another and generally horsing around. Out of this emerges an imaginary game of soccer and although there is no ball the game is fast and furious. After a few moments the long shadow of a man falls across the grass.

MAN'S VOICE (off) I suppose you know this is private property.

The boys freeze.

From their P.O.V. we see a big burly middle-aged man glowering at them. The boys exchange rueful glances and, under the big man's eye, mooch back towards the gateway they came in by. JOHN is the last to go through. He turns to the man.

GEORGE Sorry we hurt your field, Mister.

GRANDFATHER is sneaking down the corridor, a pile of photos under his arm.

Under the stage the usual set of wooden columns that support the stage with lots of furniture and a single light is on; it is placed by the orchestra's entrance to the orchestra pit. GRANDFATHER comes down the stairs and winds his way through the columns until he finds himself a safe little cubby hole and settles himself under the light. He spreads the signed photos of the BOYS in front of him and, adjusting an old-fashioned pair of glasses, ball-point pen in hand begins to copy the BOYS' signatures on to the fresh photos, tutting at his failures and chuckling at his successes. After a moment, there is a sound of someone coming down the stairs. GRANDFATHER darts into a dark patch out of sight.

The menacing shadows appear on the stairway.

NORM (voice off) There's no one here.

SHAKE (voice off) This is the only way they could have gone.

We now see GRANDFATHER holding himself stiffly in, he is on some sort of raised platform and he fidgets and in doing so he knocks a lever of some sort. Slowly GRANDFATHER ascends out of shot with a light that grows bigger above him.

A rehearsal of the toast scene from a Strauss Operetta. The entire stage is full of SINGERS, glasses in hand they are singing away at each other but in true opera tradition they are addressing out to the audience. Slowly in-between the leading man and leading woman, who are about to embrace, a stage trap opens and a blinking, surprised, GRANDFATHER appears. Here we INTERCUT to the T.V. Control Room for amazed reaction shots of the DIRECTOR and control room CREW.

Back now on the stage the toast song reaches its climax and the leading man and woman rush into each other's arms, GRANDFATHER sandwichedbetween them.

JOHN is behind them. JOHN, BOYS and MILLIE are walking towards each other.

MILLIE (as all pass) Hello.

JOHN (stopping... the boys carry on past, not noticing her) Hello.

MILLIE Oh, wait a minute, don't tell me you're ...

JOHN No, not me.

MILLIE (insistently) Oh you are, I know you are.

JOHN No, I'm not.

MILLIE You are.

JOHN I'm not, no.

MILLIE Well, you look like him.

JOHN Oh do I? You're the first one who ever said that.

MILLIE Oh you do, look.

JOHN looks at himself in the mirror. JOHN examines himself in the mirror carefully.

JOHN My eyes are lighter.

MILLIE (agreeing) Oh yes.

JOHN And my nose...

MILLIE Well, yes your nose is. Very.

JOHN Is it?

MILLIE I would have said so.

JOHN Aye, but you know him well.

MILLIE (indignantly) No I don't, he's only a casual acquaintance.

JOHN (knowingly) That's what you tell me.

MILLIE (suspiciously) What have you heard?

JOHN (blandly) It's all over the place, everyone knows.

MILLIE Is it? Is it really?

JOHN Mind you, I stood up for you, I mean I wouldn't have it.

MILLIE I knew I could rely on you.

JOHN (modestly) Thanks.

MILLIE touches his arm then walks away. After a moment she turns.

MILLIE You don't look like him at all.

JOHN winks at her and she winks back.

NORM and SHAKE enter the room. The BOYS' TAILOR is there waiting for the BOYS.

SHAKE Oh they've probably gone to the canteen, cup of tea, like.

NORM That's too easy for Lennon.

He crosses to door leading to fire escape.

NORM (dramatically) He's out there somewhere, causing trouble just to upset me.

SHAKE You're imagining it. You're letting things prey on your mind.

NORM Oh no... this is a battle of nerves between John and me.

SHAKE But John hasn't got any.

NORM What?

SHAKE Nerves.

NORM I know, that's the trouble.

He puffs nervously at his cigarette.

NORM Oh, I've toyed with the idea of a ball and chain but he'd only rattle them at me... and in public and all. Sometimes I think he enjoys seeing me suffer.

He hears something.

NORM Get behind that door, they're coming. Someone's coming. Quick, hide!

The two men hide behind the door. The boys enter the room, as JOHN is last he shuts the door and faces SHAKE and NORM.

JOHN What are you doing there?

SHAKE Hiding.

JOHN I think you're soft or something.

NORM We weren't hiding.


NORM Now. We were trying to catch you redhanded. I thought I told you lot to stay here?

RINGO Well ...

NORM When I tell you to stay put, stay put.

JOHN (down on his knees) Don't cane me, sir, I was led astray.

NORM Oh shurrup and come on John. They're waiting for you in the studio.

RINGO Oh dear, I feel like doing a bit of work.

NORM Good lad, Ringo.

PAUL Oh, listen to teacher's pet.

GEORGE You crawler.

JOHN He's betrayed the class.

RINGO Oh, leave off!!!

JOHN Temper! Temper!

RINGO Well ...

CLOSE-UP on NORM's long suffering face.

NORM Will you all get a move on! They're waiting for you!

By this time the TAILOR has his tape stretched between his hands to measure GEORGE's shoulders. But since GEORGE has moved away, he is measuring space. JOHN takes up his scissors and cuts the tape.

JOHN I now declare this bridge open.

The BOYS run out the door.

Five beautiful MODELS are standing about in costume. One is knitting a loose wool sweater which is almost completed. There is the sound of a juggling act's music off and a few of the girls are looking off towards the centre stage. At the edge of frame is a collapsible table covered with green baize. On it are three spaced white plates.

From the door off stage, above which is a sign "To Canteen and Production Offices", GRANDFATHER enters eating a plate of spaghetti on toast. The knitting GIRL sees him and, in mime, asks him to stand still so that she can measure the sweater against him. GRANDFATHER, eager to help, puts his plate of food on the green table between plates two and three. He goes to be measured with the sweater.

From the onstage area, a juggler's ASSISTANT (pretty girl) in costume backs up and with the usual theatrical flourishes picks up, without looking, plate number ONE and throws it off screen towards centre stage. There is a drum roll from orchestra. She then throws plate number TWO. We CUT on stage to the JUGGLER now balancing the two spinning plates on two poles, one in each hand. He has another pole in his mouth and nods to his ASSISTANT, asking for the THIRD plate.

We CUT BACK to the ASSISTANT who, still not looking, throws plate THREE which is GRANDFATHER's. There is the sound of an orchestra raggedly stopping and all the hangers-on in the scene look off interestedly.

We hear the DIRECTOR's voice.

DIRECTOR (V.O.) All right, hold it, hold it... O.K. John, wipe him down and we'll carry on with the next act.

We CUT TO centre stage. The JUGGLER is as before but the spaghetti is covering his head, having slipped off the third plate.

The FLOOR MANAGER is bustling around, trying to help.

We CUT BACK to back-stage. GRANDFATHER has finished being measured and goes to the green table where he put his plate down. He picks up the only remaining plate, looks at it, wondering where his food has gone, shrugs and heads back towards the exit door as we hear the DIRECTOR's VOICE.

CLOSE-UP on the distraught DIRECTOR.

DIRECTOR Where are they? I said, where are they? Where are they?

FLOOR MANAGER (placating) They're coming, I promise you.

DIRECTOR (fiercely) Now look, if they're not here on this floor in thirty seconds there's going to be trouble ... understand me ... trouble!!!

Two STAGE HANDS are walking disinterestedly past, they look at the DIRECTOR.

1st STAGE HAND What's he on about, Taff?

WELSH STAGE HAND Well ... he's being the director. Of course, he lives in a world of his own, mind.

At this moment the boys, NORM, SHAKE and GRANDFATHER appear. The BOYS grab their instruments and prepare to play.

JOHN (to the director) Standing about, eh? Some people have it dead easy, don't they?

The director is about to blow his top but manages to hold on and mutter to the heavens.

DIRECTOR (to himself) Of course, once you're over thirty, you're finished. It's a young man's medium and I just can't take the pace.

RINGO Are you as young as that, then?

BOYS Shurrup!

GRANDFATHER Isn't it always the way? Picking on us little fellas.

PAUL (to Shake) Shove the gentleman jockey in the make-up room or something and keep your eye on him, will you?

SHAKE I'm an electrician, not a wet nurse, y'know.

PAUL (threateningly) I'll set John on you!

SHAKE (hastily) Oh, anything you say, Paul.

He leads GRANDFATHER away.

The BOYS are placed in position, instruments ready. The boom moves in near them. There is a mike hovering just over JOHN'S head. JOHN starts attacking it.

DIRECTOR'S VOICE (over Tannoy)Run through the number and try not to jiggle out of your positions.

The BOYS start the number, as the stage hands adjust their settings. When they've finished, they stand about spare.

The room is crowded with the usual personnel, P.A., elecs, racks, etc.... make-up supervisor and wardrobe mistress.

DIRECTOR That was more or less all right for me. I'll give them one more run through then leave them alone until the dress ... (to make-up woman) Oh how about make-up?

MAKE-UP WOMAN Not really, they don't need it any. We'll just powder them off for shine.

DIRECTOR Good. Norm, get them along to make-up will you?

NORM (rising) Sure.

DIRECTOR (looking into the monitor) And hurry, they're not looking too happy.

From the director's P.O.V. we see into the monitor. The boys crowding around RINGO. We cut through the monitor into the same position in the studio.


PAUL (to Ringo) What's the matter with you? You were bashing away like a madman.

RINGO (briefly) You were twanging too loud.

JOHN How'd you like a dirty great drum roll giving you a clout right in the middle of your solo?

GEORGE You're getting out of hand. I don't know what's come over you today.

RINGO That's right. It's always me, isn't it?

JOHN Since you ask, yes. (he laughs) Aah, come on, Ring, we love you.

He puts his arm around Ringo's shoulder.


JOHN He'll get over it.

NORM appears down the ramp speaking as he approaches.

NORM All right, our lot, make-up.


PAUL (to Ringo) What's the matter with you? You were bashing away like a madman.

RINGO (briefly) You were twanging too loud.

JOHN How'd you like a dirty great drum roll giving you a clout right in the middle of your solo?

GEORGE You're getting out of hand. I don't know what's come over you today.

RINGO That's right. It's always me, isn't it?

JOHN Since you ask, yes. (he laughs) Aah, come on, Ring, we love you.

He puts his arm around Ringo's shoulder.


JOHN He'll get over it.

NORM appears down the ramp speaking as he approaches.

NORM All right, our lot, make-up.

A smallish room with a line of chairs facing a wall mirror and a long table. Each place is clearly marked and above each mirror a girl's name: Betty, Angela, Deirdre, Jenny.

SHAKE and GRANDFATHER are sitting in splendid isolation. They are staring each other out.

SHAKE You blinked!

GRANDFATHER I never did, you did.

The BOYS enter.
SHAKE Hello, he's not talking to me. He's having a sulk.

GEORGE Well, it must be catching. He's given it to the champ here.

He indicates RINGO who ignores him.

NORM Stop picking on him.

RINGO I don't need you to defend me, y'know, Norm.

JOHN Leave him alone, he's got swine fever.

NORM Sit down, the lot of you.

At this moment several actors come into the room. They are all dressed in the uniform of officers in Wellington's army. Together with the boys they sit down, Beatles and soldiers all mixed up.

Now a group of several pretty make-up girls make an entrance and the boys herald their arrival with a chorus of "aye aye's" and wolf whistles. JOHN meanwhile has helped himself to a big beard and the other lads are generally messing about with assorted make-up things.

HEAD MAKE UP GIRL Oh, this is impossible! We'll never get you all done in time.

ACTOR Well, you'll just have to do us first... It makes no difference to them whether they're made up or not. (sees John with beard) And who's me, then?

JOHN (charmingly) My name's Betty...(pointing to the name on the mirror) Do you want a punch up your frogged tunic?

NORM fights his way to JOHN.

NORM Now listen, John, behave yourself or I'll murder you and, Shake, take that wig off, it suits you.

SHAKE has a long blond girl's wig on. With the assistance of the girls, NORM gets the boys seated into the chairs nearest the door. For some reason RINGO now has a Guardsman's busby wedged down almost over his eyes and is sitting with it under a hair drier, reading a copy of "Queen" Magazine.

NORM (to Ringo) What do you think are you're up to?

RINGO Someone put it on me.

JOHN Excuses, that's all we get and you know you fancy yourself in the Coldstreams.

The GIRLS now move in and put make up bibs on the BOYS and start to powder them off.

JOHN You won't interfere with the basic rugged concept of my personality, will you, girl?

PAUL Eh, don't take out me lines.

GEORGE Yeah, they give him that "Je ne sais quoi" rakish air.

The lads laugh with pleasure.

RINGO decides to try a little joke.

RINGO (indicating the busby he is still wearing) Short back and sides, please.

The other look at him with mock disgust.

PAUL Behave...

JOHN Foreign devil ...

GEORGE Control yourself...

GRANDFATHER has been watching the powdering process.

GRANDFATHER In my considered opinion you're a bunch of sissies.

JOHN grabs a powder puff from his girl.

JOHN You know you're only jealous!

And dabs the old man liberally with the powder much to GRANDFATHER's annoyance.

NORM Leave him alone, Lennon, or I'll tell them all the truth about you.

JOHN You wouldn't!

NORM I would though.

NORM goes out.

PAUL What's he know?

JOHN Nothing, he's trying to brainwash me and giveme personality doubts ... oh, he's a swine but a clever swine, mind.

GRANDFATHER (impatiently) Lookit, I thought I was supposed to be getting a change of scenery and so far I've seen a train and a room, a car and a room and a room and a room. Well, that's maybe all right for a bunch of powdered gee-gaws like you lot but I'm feeling decidedly strait-jacketed. This is no life for a free-booting agent of my stamp. I'm a frustrated man and that class of McCartney is a dangerous McCartney.

GIRL (admiringly) What a clean old man.

GRANDFATHER (touchingly) You're too young for a fella of my cosmopolitan tastes, so don't press your luck.

JOHN He's sex-obsessed, the older generation are leading this country to galloping ruin.

NORM returns leaving the door open, the boys hear the sound of music coming from the studio.

NORM They're nearly ready for you. They're just finishing the band call.

JOHN (jumping from his seat) Gear! Come on, girls, let's have a bit of a dance.

JOHN'S GIRL I don't think its allowed.

JOHN Well ... it wouldn't be any fun if it was!

The BOYS drag the make-up GIRLS out of the room and into the studio.

The GIRLS are still trying to finish making the BOYS up.

As the BOYS and MAKE-UP GIRLS dance past, we see one of the "Strauss" singers combing his long hair straight back. Two STAGE HANDS swing a wind machine past him and his hair is blown straight forward into a Beatle cut.

JOHN (passing him) Never.

During dance, GEORGE takes off wig and places it on dummy, revealing identical hair underneath.

The work is still going on and the music is up full blast, the BOYS enter and with the GIRLS [and] they start a wild dance, hippy, shake, zulu, blue beat, the lot. LIONEL and DANCERS are doing their routine on one side of the stage ... it becomes a challenge dance between both groups. JOHN swings his GIRL onto the motorized CAMERA, Western style, and starts to track through the GROUP. GEORGE is on another CAMERA.

The whole control room crew are watching the dance on all the monitors. The DIRECTOR is about to stop the boys but his GIRL P.A. glares at him, with a shrug he lets the dance go on.

We now cut between the dancers on the monitors and the boys actual dancing down on the studio floor. When the recorded music stops, they grab their instruments and go into a number.

So we can watch every aspect of their work and with so many monitors it gives the impression that there are many more boys than just four.

When the number finally ends we are back in the studio on the floor.


DIRECTOR'S VOICE OVER TANNOY Thank you gentlemen, you can break now while we push on with the show.

The boys acknowledge this with a quaver of guitar chords and a drum roll.

NORM is on them at once.

NORM That was great, you've got about an hour but don't leave the theatre.

JOHN grabs the arm of a sexy girl dancer.

JOHN She's going to show me her stamp collection.

PAUL (grabs a showgirl) So's mine.

NORM John, I'm talking to you. This final run through is important. Understand? Important.

JOHN (like a pig) Oink! Oink!

They dash off with the two beauties.

GRANDFATHER is hovering in the background with SHAKE.

GRANDFATHER I want me cup of tea.

NORM Shake.

SHAKE I'm adjusting the decibels on the inbalance.

NORM Clever. (he turns) George.

But GEORGE plugs his ears. NORM turns to RINGO.

NORM Look after him.

RINGO But...

NORM Do I have to raise me voice?

RINGO (choked) Oh, all right. Come here, Grandad. (quietly) Im a drummer not a wet nurse yknow.

And the two of them walk off, Ringo leading.

The canteen is about half full of actors many of which are dressed as Nazi soldiers, with mock blood bandages and arm bands. Also there are a sprinkling of T.V. people. At a table sits GRANDFATHER and RINGO. RINGO is deeply engrossed in a book and GRANDFATHER has a near empty cup of tea in front of him. The old man is bored and looks about him slyly. He then looks at Ringo who is innocently occupied, a malicious gleam comes into GRANDFATHER's eye. He decides to have a go at RINGO and sits staring at him. RINGO gradually becomes aware of the stare and shifts uncomfortably then tries to continue reading his book.

GRANDFATHER (disgustedly to no one in particular) Will you ever look at him, sitting there wid his hooter scraping away at that book!

RINGO Well ... what's the matter with that?

GRANDFATHER (taking the book from him) Have you no natural resources of your own? Have they even robbed you of that?

RINGO (snatching back his book) You can learn from books.

GRANDFATHER Can you now? Aah ... sheeps' heads! You learn more by getting out there and living.

RINGO Out where?

GRANDFATHER Any old where ... but not our little Richard ... oh no! When you're not thumping them pagan skins, you're tormenting your eyes wid that rubbish!

RINGO (defiantly) Books are good!

GRANDFATHER (countering) Parading's better!

RINGO Parading?

GRANDFATHER (marching up and down the canteen) That's it, parading the streets ... trailing your coat ... bowling along ... living!

RINGO Well, I am living, aren't I?

GRANDFATHER You're living, are you? When was the last time you gave a girl a pink-edged daisy? When did you last embarrass a sheila wid your cool appraising stare?

RINGO Eh ... you're a bit old for that sort of chat, aren't you?

GRANDFATHER At least I've a backlog of memories, but all you've got is that book!

RINGO Aaah ... stop picking on me... you're as bad as the rest of them.

GRANDFATHER So you are a man after all.

RINGO What's that mean?

GRANDFATHER Do you think I haven't noticed ... do you think I wasn't aware of the drift? Oh ... you poor unfortunate scuff, they've driven you into books by their cruel, unnatural treatment, exploiting your good nature.

RINGO (not too sure) Oh ... I dunno.

GRANDFATHER (confidingly) And that lot's never happier than when they're jeering at you ... and where would they be without the steady support of your drum beat, I'd like to know.

RINGO Yeah ... that's right.

GRANDFATHER And what's it all come to in the end?

RINGO (defensively) Yeah ... what's in it for me?


RINGO Yeah ... a bloomin' book!

He throws the book down.

GRANDFATHER When you could be out there betraying a rich American widow or sipping palm wine in Tahiti before you're too old like me. A fine neat and trim lad the class of you should be helping himself to life's goodies before the sands run out. Being an old age pensioner's a terrible drag on a man and every second you waste is bringing you nearer the Friday queue at the Post Office.

RINGO Yeah ... funny really, 'cos I'd never thought of it but being middle-aged and old takes up most of your time, doesn't it?

GRANDFATHER (nodding) You're only right.

RINGO (nodding back) I'm not wrong.

There is a pause, then RINGO rises and crosses to the door.

GRANDFATHER Where are you off to?

RINGO I'm going parading before it's too late!

RINGO leaves and GRANDFATHER laughs at what he has done, then realizes its full meaning and looks worried.

RINGO comes along the corridor then down the narrow stairs. Half-way down he comes face to face with GEORGE who is coming up the stairs.

GEORGE Eh, Ringo, do you know what happened to me?

RINGO (passing him) No. I don't.

As he goes round the corner RINGO turns on the surprised GEORGE.

RINGO You want to stop being so scornful, it's twisting your face.

JOHN and PAUL are chatting up a couple of girls, when they see RINGO approaching they break off the conversation.

JOHN Here he is, the middle-aged boy wonder.

RINGO looks at JOHN hard.

PAUL Eh. I thought you were looking after the old man.

RINGO (with simple dignity) Get knotted!

PAUL and JOHN gape at him. For good measure Ringo takes a quick photograph of them before he leaves them flabbergasted and walks off into the street.

PAUL We've got only half an hour till the final run-through. He can't walk out on us.

JOHN Can't he? He's done it, son!

GEORGE runs towards them.

GEORGE Eh, I don't know if you realise it, but ...

PAUL We do.

GEORGE Yes. Your grandfather's stirred him up.

PAUL He hasn't.

GEORGE Yes, he's filled his head with notions seemingly.

PAUL The old mixer, come on we'll have to put him right.

The three of them go into the street.

The boys look up and down but RINGO has completely disappeared.

PAUL We'll split up and search for him, he can't be far.

They now all start to go off in the same direction, they pause, there are three roads they can take but each time they begin to move they all go the same way.

JOHN It's happened at last, we've become a limited company.

GEORGEI'll look in here again.

PAUL gives him a push to the left and GEORGE to the right and going straight ahead himself they part and go their separate ways.

RINGO is walking along taking photographs with his camera when some girls recognise him and start to follow him. They quicken their pace and RINGO runs ahead of them. He turns and comes into another street. He sees a second-hand clothes shop with a sign saying "We Buy Anything" and enters the shop just before the pursuing girls come round the corner. The girls stand about looking in all directions. After a moment RINGO comes out of the shop. He is wearing a long mackintosh and a natty cap pulled well down. He is ignored by the girls who don't recognise him. Realising this he goes back and ogles one of them. She glares at him.

RINGO Hello.

GIRL Get out of it, short house!

CLOSE-UP on Ringo's secret but happy smile as he walks briskly down the road.

RINGO kicks at a brick. He kicks stylishly but misses so tries again, misses again, but finally kicks the stone which doesn't budge so he bends down and pulls it out of the ground. It is quite big. Three quarters of it being below the surface. Having got it he now decides to throw it away. As he does so the same POLICEMAN rides past on a bicycle.

POLICEMAN Ain't you got no more bleeding sense than to go round chucking bricks about.

Before RINGO has time to answer the man has disappeared.

RINGO (shouting after him)Southerner!

He looks at the canal water moodily; at this moment a large lorry tyrerolls down the incline and bashes him slap in the back, sprawling him on the path, the tyre on top of him. A small boy appears after the tyre and stands over the prostrate RINGO.

BOY Here, mate, that's my hoop, stop playing with it.

RINGO Hoop, this isn't a hoop, it's a lethal weapon. Have you got a licence for it?

BOY Oh don't be so stroppy!

RINGO (getting up) Well! A boy of your age bowling "hoop" at people. How old are you anyway?

BOY (aggressively) Nine.

RINGO Bet you're only eight and a half.

BOY (countering swiftly) Eight and two thirds.

RINGO Well, there you are and watch it with that hoop.

BOY Gerron out of it, you're only jealous 'cause you're old.

RINGO Shurrup!

BOY I bet you're (searching for an age) -- sixteen!

RINGO Fifteen and two thirds, actually.

BOY Well --

RINGO All right, take your hoop and bowl.

He moves off and the BOY follows.

BOY Oh you can have it, I'm packing it in -- it depresses me.

RINGO Y'what?

BOY You heard, it gets on my wick.

RINGO Well that's lovely talk, that is. And another thing, why aren't you at school?

BOY I'm a deserter.

RINGO (smiling in spite of himself) Are you now?

BOY Yeah, I've blown school out.

RINGO Just you?

BOY No, Ginger, Eddy Fallon and Ding Dong.

RINGO Ding Dong? Oh Ding Dong Bell, eh?

BOY Yeah, that's right, they was supposed to come with us but they chickened.

RINGO Yeah? And they're your mates are they?

BOY (sighing) Yeah.

RINGO Not much cop without 'em, is it?

BOY (defensively) Oh, it's all right.

RINGO (disbelievingly) Yeah?

BOY Yeah.

RINGO What they like?

BOY is glad to have something to talk about.

BOY (enthusiastically) Ginger's mad, he says things all the time and Eddy's good at punching and spitting.

RINGO How about Ding Dong?

BOY He's a big head and he fancies himself with it but you know it's all right 'cos he's one of the gang.

RINGO nods his head understandingly and they mooch on together.

BOY Why aren't you at work?

RINGO I'm a deserter, too.


At this moment a child's voice shouts out "Charley" and from RINGO'S P.O.V. we see three kids. RINGO turns to the BOY and looks at them enquiringly.

BOY (to Ringo) See you.

The BOY runs off to join his mates. As he joins them they punch and scuffle together. They are obviously a gang. RINGO is left alone.

GEORGE comes round the corner, looking for RINGO, then grins and walks past a sign saying "Canteen and Production Office Opposite." He comes to the exit door, crosses to a modern building across from the theatre. He enters [the] building.

It is the reception room that leads to an inner office. Behind a desk sits a smart young woman typing busily as GEORGE enters. He is surprised when he sees the girl; she looks up and speaks to him at once.

SECRETARY Oh, there you are!

GEORGE Oh, I'm sorry, I must have made a mistake.

SECRETARY (tartly) You haven't, you're just late. (She rises and crossing over to him examines him critically.) Oh, yes, he's going to be very pleased with you.


SECRETARY Yes, you're quite a feather in the cap. (She crosses to the desk and picks up the inter-office phone. Hello, I've got one ... oh, I think so ... yes, he can talk ... Well ... I think you ought to see him. (she smiles) Of course, right away.

She crosses to the inter-office door. On the door is written SIMON MARSHAL ... she opens it.

SECRETARY Well ... come on.


He follows her quickly in.

A large room, part production office with models and sets, drawing board with ground plans, the other part of the room a mixture of Pop and Queen's magazine decor.

Behind a large desk sits SIMON MARSHAL, a bland but slightly irritable young man of about thirty-five. He is wearing the ultimate in the current smart set fashion. He is attended by a couple of underlings ADRIAN and TONY and behind him on the wall is a poster of a girl. Across the poster is printed, "Way Out, your own T.V. Special with Susan Campey. Director, Simon Marshal."

SECRETARY (proudly) Will this do, Simon?

SIMON (looking at George) Not bad, dolly, not really bad. (he motions to George) Turn around, chicky baby.

GEORGE does so.

SIMON Oh yes, a definite poss. He'll look good alongside Susan. (he indicates the girl on the poster) All right, Sunny Jim, this is all going to be quite painless. Don't breathe on me, Adrian.

ADRIAN has recognised GEORGE and is trying to stop SIMON.

GEORGE Look, I'm terribly sorry but I'm afraid there's been some sort of a misunderstanding.

SIMON (sharply) Oh, you can come off it with us. You don't have to do the old adenoidal glottal stop and carry on for our benefit.

GEORGE I'm afraid I don't understand.

SIMON Oh, my God, he's a natural.

SECRETARY (anxiously) Well, I did tell them not to send us any more real ones.

SIMON They ought to know by now the phonies are much easier to handle. Still he's a good type.

He now speaks to GEORGE in the loud voice that the English reserve for foreigners and village idiots.

SIMON We want you to give us your opinion on some clothes for teenagers.

GEORGE Oh, by all means, I'd be quite prepared for that eventuality.

SIMON Well, not your real opinion, naturally. It'll be written out and you'll learn it. (to secretary) Can he read?

GEORGE Of course I can.

SIMON I mean lines, ducky, can you handle lines?

GEORGE I'll have a bash.

SIMON Good. Hart, get him whatever it is they drink, a cokearama?


SIMON Well, at least he's polite. Tony Show him the shirts, Adrian.

A collection of shirts are produced and GEORGE looks at them. While he is doing this SIMON briefs him.

SIMON Now, you'll like these. You really "dig" them. They're "fab" and all the other pimply hyperboles.

GEORGE I wouldn't be seen dead in them. They're dead grotty.

SIMON Grotty?

GEORGE Yeah, grotesque.

SIMON (to secretary) Make a note of that word and give it to Susan. I think it's rather touching really. Here's this kid trying to give me his utterly valueless opinion when I know for a fact within four weeks he'll be suffering from a violent inferiority complex and loss of status if he isn't wearing one of these nasty things. Of course they're grotty, you wretched nit, that's why they were designed, but that's what you'll want.

GEORGE But I won't.

SIMON You can be replaced you know, chicky baby.

GEORGE I don't care.

SIMON And that pose is out too, Sunny Jim. The new thing is to care passionately, and be right wing. Anyway, you won't meet Susan if you don't cooperate.

GEORGE And who's this Susan when she's at home?

SIMON (playing his ace) Only Susan Campey, our resident teenager. You'll have to love her. She's your symbol.

GEORGE Oh, you mean that posh bird who gets everything wrong

SIMON I beg your pardon?

GEORGE Oh, yes, the lads frequently gather round the T.V. set to watch her for a giggle. Once we even all sat down and wrote these letters saying how gear she was and all that rubbish.

SIMON She's a trend setter. It's her profession!

GEORGE She's a drag. A well-known drag. We turn the sound down on her and say rude things.

SIMON Get him out of here!!

GEORGE (genuinely surprised) Have I said something amiss?

SIMON Get him out of here. He's knocking the program's image!!

The underlings hustle GEORGE to the door.

GEORGE (smiling) Sorry about the shirts.

He is ejected through the door.

SIMON Get him out. (he stops in mid-shout) You don't think he's a new phenomenon, do you?

SECRETARY You mean an early clue to the new direction?

SIMON (rummaging in his desk) Where's the calendar? (he finds it) No, he's just a trouble maker. The change isn't due for three weeks. All the same, make a note not to extend Susan's contract. Let's not take any unnecessary chances!

The sign on the pub is Liverpool Arms. RINGO is standing looking up at it. He decides to go in and does so.

The atmosphere is tense. GRANDFATHER is standing miserable in front of the DIRECTOR, the criminal confronted by the judge. SHAKE and NORM are flanking him grimly.

GRANDFATHER I'm sorry lads, I didn't mean it, honest.

DIRECTOR If he says that again, I'll strike him.

SHAKE(unconvincingly) They'll be back, they're good lads, they'll be back.

DIRECTOR (disgusted) Yes? Well they've got only ten minutes to the final run-through.

GRANDFATHER I meant no harm. I was only trying to encourage little Ringo to enjoy himself.

NORM (grimly, C.U.) God knows what you've unleashed on the unsuspecting South. It'll be wine, women and song all the way with Ringo once he's got the taste for it.

CLOSE-UP on RINGO. He is eating a bone dry sandwich that curls up at the end. He puts it down with disgust. He has a lager glass in his hand.

BARMAID (accusingly) That was fresh this morning.

We now see the pub is full of enormous cockney workmen downing pints. RINGO is very much alone. He moves away from the bar towards a group that is standing together, they've an average height of over six-foot. There is a group at a dart board. Another group is playing bar skittles and a third group is around a pin-ball table.

Near the bar is a shove-halfpenny board with two players. There is a caged parrot nearby.

BARMAID (to Ringo) That'll be two and nine...

RINGO fumbles some change out of his pocket. A few coppers fall from his hand on to the shove-halfpenny board just as the crucial point has been made. The men glare at him. Embarrassed, he moves away and without looking, places his glass on the skittles table just as a player swings the string, which hits Ringo's glass. More embarrassed, RINGO backs away, unfortunately into the pin-table just as a winning score is about to be reached. He bumps it very slightly, but enough to cause it to TILT. He then moves to the dart board. By this time most of the pub is staring at him. With great style he takes the darts. The first throw goes into a cheese sandwich which a man is pointing in demonstration. The second we see arrive into a pint of bitter and then we see RINGO shoot the third dart and hear the sound of the parrot shouting angrily, off. The BARMAID has had enough.

BARMAID Right ... On your way!

RINGO Y'what?

BARMAID You heard, on your way, troublemaker!

Now the center of attention, RINGO backs out of the pub, followed by every eye in the place, the BARMAID and a few players following him to the door ...

RINGO comes out and crosses road, watched by the POLICEMAN who is now quite suspicious.

PAUL comes down the street looking about him for RINGO. In the street is an old building, the sort of place that is highly favoured for TV rehearsals. There is a sign on the door, "TV Rehearsal Room." As PAUL draws near, a load of actors and extras, etc. are leaving, they are in costume, they are the ones who earlier had been going to a word rehearsal. When PAUL gets near the entrance he decides to go inside.

PAUL enters and wanders about. He reaches a door, pushes it open and looks in. He sees a GIRL clad in period costume. She is moving around the room and obviously acting. PAUL watches her for a moment and then decides to go in.

PAUL goes into the room. The GIRL is in mid-flight. She is very young and lovely and completely engrossed in what she is doing. The room is absolutely empty except for PAUL and herself. She is acting in the manner of an eighteenth-century coquette, or, to be precise, the voice English actresses use when they think they are being true to the costume period ... her youth however makes it all very charming.

GIRL If I believed you, sir, I might do those things and walk those ways only to find myself on Problem's Path. But I cannot believe you, and all those urgings serve only as a proof that you will lie and lie again to gain your purpose with me.

She dances lightly away from an imaginary lover and as she turns she sees PAUL who is as engrossed in the scene as she was.

GIRL (surprised) Oh!

PAUL (enthusiastically) Well ... go 'head, do the next bit.

GIRL Go away! You've spoilt it.

PAUL Oh, sorry I spoke.

He makes no attempt to go. He simply continues to look steadily at the girl; then he smiles at her. She is undecided what to do next.

GIRL Are you supposed to be here?

PAUL I've got you worried, haven't I?

GIRL I'm warning you, they'll be back in a minute.

PAUL D'you know something, "They" don't worry me at all. Anyroad, I only fancy listening to you ... that's all but if it worries you ... well ...

GIRL You're from Liverpool, aren't you?

PAUL (ironically) How'd you guess?

GIRL (seriously) Oh, it's the way you talk.

PAUL (innocently) Is it ... is it, really?

GIRL (suspiciously) Are you pulling my leg?

PAUL (looking her straight in the eye) Something like that.

GIRL (unsure) I see. (airily) Do you like the play?

PAUL Yeah ... I mean, sure, well, I took it at school but I only ever heard boys and masters saying those lines, like, sounds different on a girl. (smiles to himself) Yeah, it's gear on a girl.

GIRL Gear?

PAUL Aye, the big hammer, smashing!

GIRL Thank you.

PAUL Don't mench ... well, why don't you give us a few more lines, like?

GIRL pouts.

PAUL You don't half slam the door in people's faces, do you? I mean, what about when you're playing the part, like, hundreds of people'll see you and ...

GIRL (cutting in) I'm not ...

PAUL Oh, you're the understudy, sort of thing?

GIRL No. (aggressively) I'm a walk-on in a fancy dress scene. I just felt like doing those lines.

PAUL Oh, I see. You are an actress though, aren't you?


PAUL Aye, I knew you were.

GIRL What's that mean?

PAUL Well, the way you were spouting, like .... (he imitates her) "I don't believe you, sir..." and all that.Yeah, it was gear.

GIRL (dryly) The big hammer?

PAUL (smiling) Oh aye, a sledge.

GIRL But the way you did it then sounded so phony.

PAUL No ... I wouldn't say that ... just like an actress ... you know.

He moves and stands about like an actress.

GIRL But that's not like a real person at all.

PAUL Aye well, actresses aren't like real people, are they?

GIRL They ought to be.

PAUL Oh, I don't know, anyroad up, they never are, are they?

GIRL (teasingly) What are you?

PAUL I'm in a group ... well ... there are four of us, we play and sing.

GIRL I bet you don't sound like real people.

PAUL We do, you know. We sound like us having a ball. It's fab.

GIRL Is it really fab or are you just saying that to convince yourself?

PAUL What of? Look, I wouldn't do it unless I was. I'm dead lucky 'cos I get paid for doing something I love doing.

He laughs and with a gesture takes in the whole studio

PAUL ... all this and a jam butty too!!

GIRL I only enjoy acting for myself. I hate it when other people are let in.

PAUL Why? I mean, which are you, scared or selfish?

GIRL Why selfish?

PAUL Well, you've got to have people to taste your treacle toffee.

She looks at him in surprise.

PAUL No, hang on, I've not gone daft. You see, when I was little me mother let me make some treacle toffee one time in our back scullery. When I'd done she said to me, "Go and give some to the other kids." So, I said I would but I thought to meself, "She must think I'm soft." Anyroad, I was eating away there but I wanted somebody else to know how good it was so in the end I wound up giving it all away ... but I didn't mind, mind, 'cos I'd made the stuff in the first place. Well ... that's why you need other people... an audience ... to taste your treacle toffee, like. Eh ... does that sound as thickheaded to you as it does to me?

GIRL Not really but I'm probably not a toffee maker. How would you do those lines of mine?

PAUL Well, look at it this way, I mean, when you come right down to it, that girl, she's a bit of a scrubber, isn't she?

GIRL Is she?

PAUL Of course ... Look, if she was a Liverpool scrubber ...(Paul starts acting a Liverpool girl,he minces about then turns, extending his leg) Eh, fella, you want to try pulling the other one, it's got a full set of bells hanging off it ... Y'what? ... I know your sort, two cokes and a packet of cheese and onion crisps and suddenly it's love and we're stopping in an empty shop doorway. You're just after me body and y'can't have it ... so there!!

GIRL (shattered) And you honestly think that's what she meant?

PAUL Oh, definitely, it sticks out a mile, she's trying to get him to marry her but he doesn't want ... well ... I don't reckon any fella's ever wanted to get married. But girls are like that, clever and cunning. You've got to laugh.

He laughs.

GIRL Well, it's nice to know you think we're clever.

PAUL (grinning) And cunning.

GIRL And what do you do about it?

PAUL Me? Oh, I don't have the time, I'm always running about with the lads ... no, we don't have the time.

GIRL Pity.

PAUL (not noticing the invitation) Aye, it is but as long as you get by, it's all right, you know ... bash on, happy valley's when they let you stop. Anyroad, I'd better get back.


PAUL (going) See you.

GIRL Of course.

PAUL stands at the doorway, shrugs then goes out.

In the street, workmen are collecting shovels, drinking tea and doing all the things people do around building sites. RINGO mooches around. In the road is a hole with a diameter of about 3 feet, and at least 6 feet deep. RINGO looks down and a man is busily working at the bottom of the hole. He glares at RINGO. After a moment RINGO turns away. We now see a very elegant young lady coming towards RINGO. She is daintily avoiding a series of puddles. RINGO has an idea and does a Sir Walter Raleigh with his large Mac spreading it over one of the puddles. The girl walks across it smiling graciously. RINGO proceeds with the coat to the next puddle and to the next backing gradually towards the hole. At last he spreads the coat, without noticing what he is doing, over the hole. The girl steps onto the coat and disappears sharply. RINGO looks down the hole where the girl is held in the workman's arms. The workman rises out of the manhole until he is waist height. At this point an elegantly dressed gentleman appears (the girl's husband) he looks at his wife in the workman's arms and hits the workman. RINGO backs away through the puddles, and is nicked by the POLICEMAN.

[Scenes 75 and 76 deleted in revision.]

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